Other People's Problems

We're very good at solving them, while our own pile up

I could easily choose a colourway for someone else’s bedroom, but for my own it’s decision paralysis. Image by Jules Rogers

It’s not uncommon to hear about an excellent psychotherapist whose own life is in disarray; a skilled builder with a long list of unfinished jobs in their own home; or a well regarded life coach who has lost sight of their own life’s direction and meaning. How about an interior stylist whose home isn’t picture perfect? You could argue that they’re all so busy with their successful careers that their own needs take a back seat, but I also think it’s about attachment/detachment.

It boils down to this: other people’s problems are easier to deal with than our own. Whether it’s an interiors project or a big life decision, finding solutions to other people’s problems - with the benefit of detachment from all the other things in their head - is often quite simple for me.

For weeks I’ve been advising people on their current life challenges, as touched on in my last post. Both of my children, various friends, an ex, some people I met at a party, have all received a casual consultation from me. I never offer unsolicited advice, unless you are my child in which case my job is to interfere without being asked. But if people ask me for advice - and they do - I’m happy to throw in my two cents (although I tend to steer clear of relationship advice).

I don’t always know the answer and I’m not always right, but often I can see the steps that might lead towards clarity, whether it’s a big life change like a home move, how to edit a website to best sell a product, or how to rearrange a living room to freshen things up.

It’s the same with a client photo shoot. A brand comes to me with a brief and I can pretty easily see the steps to create a strong shoot - solving all sorts of creative and logistical problems along the way. First of all, I have a lot of experience built up over the years in my chosen field, so of course I know how to do my job well. But I’ve also learnt that I work well - as do many people - with parameters. On a shoot, there is specific product a client wants to promote, there is a theme/concept, a set budget, a time-frame. It’s this structure that keeps me in line and allows me to be creative within its framework.

Nothing else enters the picture. I’m focused only on what’s in the scope of that particular job.

But when it comes to my own life and interiors, there are usually fewer parameters and it’s rarely as straightforward. I’m too attached to the stuff and the details and the outcome and that’s what can make decision making difficult. Everything seems important so nothing gets prioritised.

Whereas if a friend calls me and says “I don’t know what to do about (this one thing)”, somehow that’s easier. I focus only on their issue in a big picture kind of way and I work from there. I’m able to zoom out as if seeing the challenges from overhead and I can then work from big to small to fix it. (I work like this with interiors as well - big to small. Start with the floors, walls, large furnishings and then zoom in on the smaller details).

Of course, it helps that I’m not the one who will have to do the work when I advise others. Telling someone they have to make some hard choices is easy when it’s not your life and you won’t be the one following through. But I can also block out all other factors in a way I can’t if the problems are my own.

The person I mentioned in my last post who was feeling overwhelmed by a big upheaval they had to undertake in order to get out of debt and start over is a prime example. I could see the bigger picture in an unemotional, detached way. (I also have some pretty firm boundaries with this particular person which adds another layer of detachment). I was able to tell them “You need to sell this and sell that and put this in storage and hold onto that but let that go and book a charity collection and find a removals company” and so on. And it was easy for me. Because all their other issues weren’t crowding my thoughts. They were too overwhelmed to even know where to begin but my lack of emotional attachment allowed me to see a pathway for them.

Even styling my own house for a shoot can be problematic. I do this for a living for goodness sake! And I think I’m pretty good at it. And yet…On a recent shoot at home it was so much harder than styling someone else’s because I was too attached to the stuff. When styling for a brand or in someone else’s home I can be more ruthless in my editing because it’s not my stuff and there are no stories or memories behind the objects.

I’ve had a couple of shoots at the house recently as I prepare for my new wallpaper collection launch and while the photography itself is gorgeous and the house looks great, there are a few shots where I think I should’ve edited them further. Me at my desk with a few too many things on the windowsill behind me. Or a shot of the bedroom where maybe I didn’t need the extra little framed art on the bedside table. Little details that perhaps only a photographic stylist would fret over, but I can see in hindsight that it would have been a stronger image with less in it.

All of this has lead me to be more proactive about asking for opinions. Not from anyone though! There is nothing more annoying than a person who is brimming with confidence but lacking in actual skills or experience, as I’ve written about before. So choose wisely. Now, when I’m stuck with an interiors challenge at home I love asking for the thoughts of my designer friends when they come to the house. It doesn’t mean you have to take their advice, but often a different eye can see solutions you can’t because you’re too close to the problem.

This happened recently when I was feeling stuck with the middle bedroom- a room yet to be properly decorated but still needing to be practical for friends and family to stay. Too small for much more furniture than the double bed and side table that was in it, yet also crammed with a wardrobe and chest of drawers because, like I said, I can’t always edit for myself. I explained my issue to my friend and within seconds she came up with a solution that required editing, getting rid of something. I’d been hung up on the details and the logistics but she was able to quickly cut through the fog and find a fix because she wasn’t attached.

I’ve built my styling and writing career by encouraging people to be comfortable with a more lived-in home and I stand by that ethos, but once in a while I think I need an editor to intervene and help me clear the mental and physical clutter. Someone to tell me ‘get rid of that’.

This and a few other experiences this year have made me reevaluate my opinion on collaboration. I’ve always thought I work better alone - and for many things I still do - but a mutually beneficial sharing of knowledge and experience has also given me such a buzz lately. This won’t be news to anyone with a ‘proper job’ as I like to call anything in an office or a corporation. Collaboration is expected and unavoidable in that environment, but we freelancers get used to working in a more solitary way. Unless I’m on a shoot it’s just me and maybe an assistant or two prepping.

I try to be careful that the exchange of knowledge and experience is a two-way street with friends, rather than me just mining my talented friends for information and I like to think I give back as well, but sometimes it’s also ok to just ask for help, especially if it’s an emotional matter.

Earlier this year I reached out to a couple of local friends in our little group chat, saying I wasn’t doing well and I really needed to be around them. I had nothing to offer in return at that time, because of how low I was feeling and they allowed me to just sit with them at a cafe on the beach and be miserable. For once, not putting on the “I’m fine” charade so many of us do.

I’m not a life coach and, as described above, I can sometimes find it difficult to make a decision for myself whether the question is what wallpaper should I use in my bedroom or should I change careers? But I can tell you that often other people are the missing ingredient, whether it’s a personal or work related issue.

It’s early days for me, but I’m finally learning how to ask for help. I’ve always been good at listening to others and offering guidance when asked, but now I see that it’s not a sign of weakness to ask the same of others. It’s possible to be a so-called expert on something and still not have all the answers.