Creativity Diaries: Telling your inner critic to f*** off

My inner voice is such a bitch.

All week I’ve been sorting out various areas of my house - a task that began with me enthusiastically opening boxes from the loft and ended with me surrounded by said boxes wondering what bag of worms I’ve opened and how in hell do I put them back. As I was going about this initially fun and then very quickly, hellish task I was also filming bits of the process with the intention of making a video to post here, possibly offering some inspiration and motivation for your own hellishly full of shit lofts/garages/boxes under beds that need a good purge and sort. I didn’t plan it much, I thought loosely of the video’s structure but there was no storyboarding involved (lol as if). It was my usual off the cuff stuff you’ll be familiar with if you’ve followed me on Instagram for years. But longer.

But when I began editing and watching it back - 11+ minutes and counting of me in a loft - I became assaulted by a barrage of negative thoughts: nobody wants to see your loft or listen to you waffle on about how to get rid of things. you talk too much. you’re boring. make it shorter. get to the point. people want fast results. conform. give them what they want. this isn’t original. be quick, funny, make it easy. sound bites and bullet points not long drawn out sentences. stop talking about yourself etc etc, on and on and on…until now. This quiet moment in the garden at dusk when I suddenly had the urge to write this piece instead.

Where does it come from, this inner voice that for some people can be so demeaning? Sometimes a seed of self-doubt will be planted by an off-hand or even well-meaning comment from a friend or stranger and sometimes there are deep seated insecurities stemming from past experiences or childhood trauma. For some other people entirely there appears to be no self-doubt at all. Think of all the incompetent yet overly confident (a dangerous combination) men who currently run the world.

Thankfully I don’t experience this type of negative inner dialogue all the time and I’m actually pretty self assured and confident these days. But occasionally ‘she’ can pipe up and my god she’s a raging bitch! I wouldn’t talk to anyone the way my inner critic sometimes talks to me. Two thoughts can exist simultaneously in my head: I am talented and good at what I do. And I am also rubbish and everyone knows it. I’m not going to psycho-analyse the situation. I’m just not qualified. Despite spending a small fortune on therapy after my divorce, we didn’t delve deeply into my inner bitch’s running commentary. But I can say that as a creative person who speaks to a lot of other creative people, it seems to be a common trait. I feel like we are more self-critical and have more self-doubt than non-creatives, although this is purely anecdotal and probably inaccurate and please correct me in the comments if you disagree. This piece in Harvard Business Review doesn’t do much to set my mind at ease, going so far as to say that many creatives are also Narcissists who believe they are more talented than they are. Great. Give my inner critic more fuel why don’t you, Harvard.

It can be difficult when you swim against the current and that’s what this feels like right now. Exploring different ways of expressing my creativity and discussing the ups and downs in an honest way feels vulnerable and exposing and it’s at times like this that the inner meanie rears her head. “Stay in your lane” she’s saying. “Who do you think you are?” “Stick with what people know you for”. Instead of making 15 second videos for Instagram or TikTok (I tried and got bored - shout out to my 12 Tik Tok followers) making longer form videos here and actually writing more than a caption feels defiant and risky. But as I said in my introduction video this is all about exploring what feels good for me right now in the hopes that it also resonates with you. I already feel more creative and inspired and confident in myself than I have in a long time (barring this recent moment of self-sabotage). Maybe only 10 people will read my words and watch my videos but I’d like to think that I’m ok with that as long as it comes from a place of authenticity and creativity (I’m not, I’m lying, I want this to be a HUGE success).

I will post the video sometime soon because when my inner bitch isn’t around to shut me down I actually think you might might like it. In the meantime, thanks for reading. You are one of a rare breed these days. A reader! One day they’ll make documentaries about us in the way they do about ancient Romans and the roads they built. (Insert serious, posh documentary narrator voice here) “Back in the 2020s there were only a few remaining readers. They read anything they could and for hours and they gloated to their peers who only had the concentration to read hashtags and ready meal instructions. They read books, magazines, newspapers and eventually this thing they called "Substack”.

Hats off to you my reader. Next time I invite you up to my dusty loft (not a euphemism and if it is, it sounds nasty).