Just remember five years ago you dreamed about where you are now

Once in a while, amongst the ads for neck cream and dresses that look like sacks, Pinterest’s algorithm hits me with a piece of wisdom. Corny? Yes. Accurate? Also yes. (We’ll forgive the accidentally omitted “you”).

Oprah was right

I mean, isn’t Oprah always right when it comes to matters of the soul? She didn’t write this quote, but it has an Oprah-ness about it that struck a chord with me in the same way her words did in the nineties and beyond. Basically it’s about gratitude for where you are and what you have, a concept Oprah has championed for decades.

I don’t care what anyone says, I’ve been a huge fan of the one and only Oprah since I had my daughter in 1999. I was 23 and living in a tiny but adorable flat in Burbank, California, only a year out of university and already with a baby and an ambition to start my own business, a children’s clothing collection. Daytime TV was important for both company and sanity as I sat hunched over a sewing machine, making clothing samples while Ella took naps.

It was around that time that Oprah’s show had moved from the typical chat show format with random guests and current event topics to being more about spirituality and self improvement. I was there for it in all its woohoo glory and I still am. I lapped it up. Gratitude journals, setting intentions, creative visualisation, the idea of our realities being created by what we think about and focus our energies on - positive or negative.

Maybe you had to be around in the nineties and maybe you had to be living in America, as I was, to fully accept the very American-ness of it all. To my British/European readers, I know. We can find it all a bit cringey right? But it’s ok to go there, it’s ok to feel things and to express those feelings. America has some issues, but its enthusiasm and can-do spirit as characterised in one of Oprah’s many speeches is not one of them.

The late nineties was also when I first read Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, a book that has had a revival in recent years, with younger generations just discovering her transformative work. For me it was a time of self discovery and in many ways it set me on the path upon which I’m still treading.

I wanted so badly to do great things. My ambition was fierce and it pushed me to work when my children slept and at times rely too heavily on Telly Tubbies for babysitting when they were awake.

I wanted then what I have now

The basic bitch in me loves a good quote. Personally I’m not going to print it and have it framed above the bed. Actually, hold up. Many years ago I made a wire sculpture with a Wayne Dyer quote “All that now exists was once imagined” and hung it above the bed! Ooookaaaay then. Today however I just collect them on Pinterest.

Just remember 5 years ago you dreamed about where you are now

I appreciate that this may not be true for everyone and that there are many, many people struggling. I’m not naive enough to think that everyone’s lives are always improving because that’s just not true. But often it’s easy to get so caught up in today’s struggles that we forget that the good bits - even if they seem small - are often a result of the dreaming and hard work that started years prior.

I am frequently guilty of this. In the last audio post (why can’t I just call it a podcast?) I spoke a bit about the idea of the anticipation of a goal sometimes being better than the realisation of the goal. This links directly to gratitude and acknowledgement of our achievements and how important it is to stop and take a moment to recognise them. I’m simultaneously aware that 23 year old me would be blown away by what I’ve done, but 48 year old me feels like a failure half the time. It doesn’t make sense. But I think the answer is gratitude.

Last week I was feeling highly motivated and optimistic for the future, energized and achieving a lot in terms of some short term goals - namely refinishing the exterior of my house so I can use it for shoots and as a holiday rental if need be. That buzzy, creative feeling I’ve been yearning for was back and it felt amazing. I speak about it here in the introduction video I posted when I joined Substack, as being the main motivator for moving to this platform. I’ve been missing that feeling of excitement for the future and of knowing what’s next and last week I felt it once again.

Five years ago I really wanted to leave London and buy a house by the sea. Now I have the house by the sea and even though it’s been a struggle I love it and for once, I can see myself being here for years, something this perpetual house mover never says!

Five years ago I dreamed of buying a house by the sea. I probably didn’t dream I’d be jet washing and painting the exterior myself but such is life

But life isn’t actually a fairy tale and getting the house and the life I wanted came with a price tag, literally. The end of my relationship means now the house is all mine, but so are the mortgage and the bills! Oh yeah, another thing. That interest rate hike? My mortgage is now significantly higher than it was a few months ago. At the same time, many of my styling clients have vanished (that’s a post for another time - the unstable life of a freelancer) and the industry as a whole has been very quiet. So a perfect storm. I’m now in a period of great uncertainty, just when I thought I finally got what I wanted.

When I felt so energised and optimistic last week it didn’t make sense. I should be panicking. Instead I’d set a new goal - to not lose the house - and I was sending all my energy to that end. The house could be income. The house could lead to new opportunities. The house was my new calling card, a representation of many of my skills combined. Focus on the house, focus on the house.

I remembered the way I’d felt when I was young, designing my kids’ collections and - to use Oprah speak here - the high frequency my energy was vibrating at and the synchronicity of events that it seemed to lead to. The theory goes that like attracts like. The Law of Attraction and all that, as made famous in the 2006 book The Secret (yes I read it, of course! Along with Gary Zukav’s The Seat of the Soul; Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and many more of Oprah’s buddies!) If we’re feeling positively energised, as I was/am - we attract situations that move us towards our goals. Synchronicity happens. Come to your own conclusions about these theories, but I have felt it and I’ve seen results.

Of course there is always that little voice in my head whispering “It might not work…It’s a load of mumbo jumbo…Get a proper job…It doesn’t always work out for everyone…You’ll probably have to rent the house out…This is probably the end of your career…”

But I’m trying to focus on the new goal and keep that high vibe energy flowing. I’ve also come to terms with the worst case scenario - losing the house - and of course I hope that doesn’t happen, but if it does I also know I’ll be ok. My kids are happy and healthy so everything in my world is ok, house or no house.

I recently listened to Miss Me? a new BBC podcast hosted by best friends singer Lily Allen and TV presenter Miquita Oliver. In one episode they talk about Ambition and Allen claims her current ambition is simply to be able to keep her house. When I heard that I laughed out loud. She did lose a house years ago due to a huge unpaid tax bill and so for her it is a raw memory and one she doesn’t want to repeat.

What I took from it was that an ambition can be as broad and matter of fact as that. On the surface, my current ambitions are to launch my new homeware product and of course I want it to be hugely successful (coming soon!), to continue writing, to design shoots for fabulous new clients, to host business/creativity workshops at the house. And quite a few more. But over-riding all that is the desire to keep my house and the life I dreamed up five/25 years ago!

Life is weird. It rarely goes to plan. It is never drawn in a straight line. There are always highs and lows. According to the U-Curve of happiness theory of life, I’m at the exact age when I’m meant to feel lowest and I don’t feel that low, so hey I’ve got that going for me! It can be exhausting and sometimes I understand why people marry for money. But I’m too much of a stickler for authenticity. It’s annoying. Why can’t I just lower my standards for goodness sake!

Instead of searching for a man to solve my problems I have set my sights on the next goal while remembering that I got what I wanted five years ago. Which makes me wonder, do I need to write a follow up post on being careful what you wish for? ;)