Look back before you look forward

And make sure you notice the good bits

Is there a more depressing day than January 2nd?

Oh sorry, were you here for my tips on resolutions and creative pointers for planning the year ahead? We’ll get to that. But first, let’s be honest.

January 1st can go a number of different ways. 1. hungover from the night before and mostly slept through. 2. not hungover, smug, cheerful and at a pre-planned lunch with friends/family. 3. On a wholesome walk with the dogs/kids/friends. 4. Enjoying a last day on the sofa before returning to work. And many other versions, not all as cheering as these (I appreciate many people are already back to work on the 1st or may be alone).

January 2nd on the other hand, doesn’t offer any of that sense of renewal or ceremony or enjoyment that January 1st might. It’s a blah day, a day to be endured. It’s the day of the year equivalent to the age 36 (or 46 or 56 - what is it about the sixes that seem so insignificant?)

Not everyone will agree of course, but I can only speak from my own experience and for me it was a day to be endured. On New Year’s Eve I’d stayed home alone and enjoyed the last few drinks before dry January and I’d also begun my 2024 mind map (have a look here if you’ve never done one).

I usually save this for New Year’s day but this year since I was alone I thought it could inject some optimism into what could’ve felt like a sad evening. A mind map is my version of resolutions, a way to visualise my wants and needs and dreams and goals for the year ahead in every area of my life, from career to health to travel to kids to finances and more.

Another thing I’m a firm believer in is keeping a diary of some sort and I did a bit of writing that evening as well. I’ve written many times about following Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages idea from her book The Artists’s Way. I’ve done this for years and it has served as a way of dumping unhelpful thoughts on the page first in the morning as well as documenting events in my life that I might otherwise forget.

I also write out my future plans and goals, not just at new year but throughout the year as a planning strategy. I’ve always loved thinking of what I want my future life to look like and writing it down in one form or another helps me see more clearly what I intend to do. And of course the end of one year/beginning of another is the most fitting time to have these thoughts and make these plans. Clean slate and all that.

In the past few days I’ve also been re-reading some of my diaries from the past 5-7 years as well as flicking through my old creative planning journals to see what I’ve written in the past. (Yes I have a lot of different journals!) Combined with pulling out my old mind maps from past new years this is what led to such a dismal January 2nd.

It turns out there are certain things I’ve written on my mind map and in my diaries for YEARS and haven’t managed to achieve or accomplish. I spoke to one of my best friends on January 1st about doing our mind maps and I half-jokingly said “Do I keep putting them on the mind map for the next year or just let them go, these goals that I haven’t made manifest?” Because it felt like failure. A couple of career goals in particular that I just haven’t been able to make a reality are the ones that haunt me. Also some personal relationship issues that I seem to repeat as well as unmet financial goals.

It all came to a head on the 2nd after a productive morning of finally sorting and filing many years worth of paper piles. When I sat down to do some creative and financial planning (i.e. seeing how much money I need to make this year) I was overcome by panic and fear and needed desperately to move my body before I went into meltdown and got back into bed.

I swiftly pulled on my boots and rain coat and walked along the clifftops near my house, leaning into the raging winds coming off the sea from Storm Henk and I felt awful. Really, really low. I sobbed and raged at myself as I walked, throwing abuse at my self. “You’re pathetic. Such a loser. What’s the point in you? What have you even done with your life? You should have achieved more. You mess up relationships. You don’t make enough money. You should be doing more for the kids”. And so much worse. Comparing myself to others and their successes and seeing only my own failures. It was bleaker than bleak.

Thirty minutes in, as I reached the lighthouse at which point I’d planned to turn back, the self-loathing had subsided somewhat. By the time I got back to the car I felt calmer and less hateful towards myself. I got home and got into bed with my book and stayed there until dinner, something I rarely allow myself to do, because PRODUCTIVITY.

Today, January 3rd I feel a bit more hopeful - the sun shone! - and I forced myself not to think about future plans. Instead I did manual labour, loading the car with our old gutters destined for the tip, then hurling the chunks of rotting wood into the designated skips with great enthusiasm as onlookers raised their eyebrows and the hi-vis jacketed men working there nodded with approval. A very therapeutic mission.

And I wrote. Always I write. I said to my therapist recently that when I write in my dairies it feels like I’m leaving notes for my future self. And most of the time it’s helpful to re-read them months or years later. But realising that some of the notes are the same refrains on repeat year after year can be a little startling.

For most of my adult life I’ve had this feeling that I’m running out of time. I don’t know what it means but I think it’s why I’m so driven to achieve and do and create. Before it’s too late. But the bleakness of yesterday forced me to look back rather than just forward. I pulled out my mind map from 2022 - the one that sent me spiralling because of unachieved goals - and I looked at it more closely.

‘FAILURES’

Design wallpaper collection - nope, didn’t happen, after being on the map for years. But I was kind of busy renovating a house and working to pay for it all.

Pitch interiors TV show idea - didn’t happen either, same as above.

Learn more Italian - barely improved. But I did achieve a 132 day streak on Duolingo. If you know, you know.

And many more little bubbles on my mind map not achieved but at least chipped at in a small way.

But I did do a lot.

‘SUCCESSES’

Renovated a house - still a WIP but a lot has been achieved including the reading snug pictured above.

Published a new book.

Gained new styling/set design clients ( I also lost a few but hey ho).

Created art prints to sell.

Added a lot to my savings.

And many more little bubbles on the mind map that I did achieve.

It must surely be a trait of some artists to only focus on the bad, on what can be improved, rather than what has been done successfully. It’s what makes us tick and continue to create. But it can also cause a lot of unnecessary pain and anguish.

All this is to say, don’t be so hard on yourself at this time of year when it looks like everyone else has achieved so much and everyone has BIG PLANS for the year ahead. And if you feel yourself sliding into unhelpful ways of thinking, promise you’ll try two things: Move your body (walking is magic) and write it all down.

I only ever share personal stories like this with you in the hope that it might resonate with someone else feeling similar. It is never to garner pity (I HATE PITY so please don’t go there). Sending love to you all for the year ahead whatever it may hold for you. Be kind to yourself x