Six things that get me through darker times

Often it's the simplest ideas that are the most effective

After the last post I feel the need to write something upbeat and positive, not heavily weighted with a tale of a sad, rainy and sob-filled beach walk on the most depressing day of the year! I guess I had to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me share :)

And while there is always the fear of oversharing and exposing too many of one’s vulnerabilities, I remind myself that it is why I write here (and on the old blog) and in a way it has been in the DNA of my business for going on 15 years. Life Unstyled (‘UN’ is the important bit) started in 2009 with me sharing the messier bits behind the perfectly styled photo shoot and it has evolved into a broader picture of the messier bits of life in general. I think frequently of changing the business name - and I may do it this year, as it no longer feels right for me - but for now it’s how I’m known and that’s hard to let go of.

There are a few people I follow on here who were, back in the earlier days of Life Unstyled (when I was living in LA and trying to shine a light on the bullshit fakery I was seeing in my industry), seemingly flying high and happily sharing a glossy, highly curated, apparently perfect life and garnering a huge following doing so. Some of these same people are now sharing the darker side of things, a more honest portrayal of their lives now, career failures, personal trials etc and I have to heave a sigh of relief, even if I’m also thinking “about bloody time!”

Someone whose story I’ve followed lately is interior designer Orlando Soria who writes The Lost Arrow. I don’t know him personally but back in 2010-ish I worked on the pilot of an interiors TV show in LA that he went on to co-host with Emily Henderson (I know, I get emails and messages intended for her from time to time and we had a giggle about it when we first met). In true American dream style, Emily was an interior stylist (again, not me) and won a design competition TV show where the prize was…her own TV show.

Soon after I worked on the show, I left LA and didn’t keep up much with the goings on of the industry there, but I did hear that Henderson went on to some success with her show Secrets of a Stylist and later became a very successful interiors/mommy blogger/influencer. Orlando also went on to his own success working with brands and hosting his own interiors show on HGTV.

Now Soria writes honestly on Substack about his financial struggles in recent years, maybe not totally relatable to others who are struggling as he rents both a house in LA and owns a big fixer-upper cabin in Yosemite - he must be doing all right, right? But in a way it’s even more important for people whose lives look fantastic to talk openly about their struggles, particularly with money as it is still a huge taboo. Anyway, I enjoyed reading his post about the many challenges he faced in 2023, not because I want to wallow in misery, but because the more people in the public eye who speak more truthfully, the more we can all feel better about our less than perfect lives.

That said, since my last rather sad sounding post, I have been working hard to refocus my energy on what’s good in the world and in my life. One thing I have always been good at is bouncing back after setbacks. I don’t know why, but it’s just something I’ve been able to do when life hasn’t gone as planned. The last few years of hormonal changes has put this character trait to the test and I feel like there have been more lows than highs, but I also know that the whole world feels and is a scary place for many right now. In other words, it’s not just me. And there is comfort in that.

So what have I done lately to improve my outlook on life and the future?

I’ve deleted Instagram from my phone and won’t be back on for a month or two at least.

When I do return it will be with purpose and control, using it for my benefit rather than it using me. We all know this is easier said than done because the nature of social media is that it is highly addictive and checking it once a day quickly snowballs into checking it TOO MANY TIMES TO MENTION.

But I can’t tell you how much I’ve been getting done without it as a distraction! As a so-called influencer, there is a desire to share every process of every project I undertake at home - changing the curtains? Why not make a video! Sorting the prop room- people would love to see that! Taking down the Christmas tree? Surely there are some tips I can share in packing decorations away! (NO, enough, people know how to bubble wrap a glass reindeer).

I also found myself feeling like shit every time I scrolled. I know this is nothing new, but I haven’t always felt this way. If I saw one more person talking about “Exciting new secret projects this year!” I was going to cry. It was making me feel inadequate. It’s important to recognise when things are affecting us negatively and to make a change. I’m lucky (as I’ll explain below) that my business isn’t financially dependent on social media and so disconnecting is always an option. Remember, we have a choice to not participate.

I’ve never made money from my Instagram posts although if the right clients had come along for the right price I can’t say I’d have turned them down. But I never sought it out like some people did, getting an agent for collaborations and so on. When I moved from the States in 2011, sponsored posts were already big business there although on blogs not Instagram yet, but at thjat time we Brits seemed to be less willing to be sold things in that way. How quickly that changed! If you’re an interiors influencer now, it is the norm to flog a vacuum cleaner or a Sonos speaker on your Instagram for a fee or a freebie. And most influencers homes are decorated with PR gifts, leading others to believe they live a charmed and financially successful life when in fact they are often just human adverts. (Farrah Storr, ex-editor in chief of Elle and Cosmo wrote a good piece on her Substack Things Worth Knowing, about this, among other things).

But despite not earning money myself on Instagram, I am constantly being sold to by others and by Instagram itself. And I’m over it. I give away so much on there, hard-earned skills and knowledge that I share with thousands. And while I try to be a kind and generous person in both my personal and my working lives - and I genuinely enjoy sharing, particularly with some very loyal followers who’ve been here from the beginning - I’m also a business woman. And I have bills to pay just like the next person.

Writing on here for both my free and paid subscribers has been a revelation. I have the freedom to say what I want to those who make the effort to be here and to read. And the freedom to share both more personal posts and valuable interiors advice behind a paywall, because I know that what I have is of value and worth a fee. Massive thanks to my paid subscribers. I’ve recently cut out a few subscriptions to streaming channels and replaced them with a few favourite Substack writers. I’d much rather pay a writer and artist than a huge corporation.

I’ve cut out alcohol, for a month or two or maybe more

An obvious one, I’m aware, but while Dry Jan may be bad for the local pubs and the wine section of Aldi (don’t knock it till you try it) it is very, very good for me. I don’t have many vices. I don’t do drugs anymore (I was young and silly and living in New York at the height of the 90s Club Kid era. Enough said); I eat pretty well; I exercise.

But I do like wine.

Starting the year with a clear head and a cleaner liver is always beneficial for me. For others, January is the last month of the year where they want to stop drinking as it can feel like there is little else to enjoy in the darker, bleaker months. This is a judgement-free zone so if a drink is what will get your through, then do it. For me, especially as I go through a huge personal change (not ready to talk about it yet), alcohol-free days work. My go to replacement if I’m craving a cold glass of white wine? Sparkling water with lime cordial or apple juice and lots of ice. Does the trick.

I’m reading a lot

I’ve always been a big reader, going as far back as primary school - there’s a reason I designed a reading snug above the kitchen, now filled with books. Since Christmas I’ve read some good fiction: Maggie O’ Farrell’s After You’d Gone and Bonnie Garmus’ Lessons in Chemistry; and I’m simultaneously reading some non-fiction, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb (I’m really enjoying this peak into the world of a therapist, her therapist and her clients) and Why Women Grow by Alice Vincent, gifted to me by a friend. I’m also actively looking for more writers to follow here as I’m finding so much thoughtful content in many things I enjoy - interiors, fashion, self-improvement and more.

Still writing it all down

I’m not going to say much more as I have spoken about this ad naueseum, but getting it - whatever it is - out of your head and onto the page is my almost daily medicine. Just do it, I promise it works.

I’ve been almost obsessively staying in touch with friends

I don’t yet have that many friends in Margate where I moved three years ago, but the ones I have I am trying hard to nurture. I’m also planning on putting myself out there more this year and tagging along to as many events as I can. There is always an art opening or a book launch going on and as daunting as it can be to attend these things alone, I know I won’t meet more people sitting on the sofa (or the reading snug). I’ve also been convinced by a new friend to join a local choir so there’s that…

Despite a small friends group locally, I do have an amazing group of female friends from literally every stage of my life: primary school, secondary school, university, LA life, London life. I don’t have that big girl group thing we’re made to think we should have (and at times I do wish I had that), but I have individual friends who I love and respect dearly and have leaned on in hard times and hope I’ve offered the same in return. Many voice notes back and forth and hour long phone calls as regularly as we can manage is what keeps me going these days.

Future planning but keep it simple

I wrote about my new year mind maps, journalling and creative journals here, but after that last post I have since narrowed things down to three key areas I wanted to focus on career-wise and it has helped significantly to not feel overwhelmed.

Last year was all about home renovations but now the funds have dwindled enough that the remaining items will have to wait - new windows/doors, garden, fences, garage, studio - it’s all about making money! But in order to not feel like a robot, I’ve kept one key BIG DREAM project in the mix for creativity’s sake. So here they are for accountability:

1. Ready the house to promote as a shoot location

2. Major outreach for new accounts on the set design side of my business

3. Launch one wallpaper collection

You’ll notice a new book isn’t on the list. As much as I love writing interiors books, they do take a big chunk of time and the financial payoff isn’t always enough to justify the time spent. I also need to have a good enough idea to make it worthwhile and for now, those ideas just aren’t there.

Now there are many other ‘big dream’ projects I want to pursue - of course, it’s me! - but I have learnt in the last few years that taking on too much doesn’t work. And even though I’m ambitious and hard-working, the above list is already enough.

I really hope you’ve all had a calm and positive start to the year, but if you haven’t I can tell you that can change in an instant, or at least a couple of days. Speaking from the other side of my January 2nd experience, some days you just have to get through to reach days that feel good or at least better. Sending love as always x